ELS VAN STEIJN
Asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength.
Mental Health Art Tour, book by Tamara Swart. Els van Steijn (1969) is a coach, family & organizational constellations facilitator, and bestselling author. Together with the De Fontein team, consisting of professionals trained by her, she carries out her mission through constellations, coaching, workshops, and the Online Program: enabling future generations to be systemically cleaner and less burdened. Her contribution to an even more beautiful world.
Surrender “In my view, someone is mentally healthy if they are able to reassure themselves in difficult situations, possess resilience when needed, and can accept the 'here and now' as it is,” says Els van Steijn. “After this surrender, you can do what is appropriate and 'the right thing'. Emotional processing may still be necessary afterwards, or another form of action may be required of you, but 'first things first'. Mental health therefore boils down to being willing to bear your own fate like an adult. If you consistently fail to confront your fate, the next generation will carry it for you.”
Undercurrent
According to Els, to stay mentally fit and balanced, it is important to know yourself and do what is necessary. This applies both to programming your mental mindset to maintain balance and to all the discipline you need daily. Additionally, being mentally fit is related to the undercurrent from your biological family system and the potential 'systemic burden' resting upon you.
You feel empty, needy, and melancholic when you are not standing firmly in your place within the family system. Els uses the metaphor of the fountain to illustrate your place in the family system. “If you stand in your own place in the invisible fountain with your inner attitude, you will always feel fitter and more balanced because you are catching the invisible flow of the fountain, which is so essential to feeling alive and fulfilled.”
De fontein
“Stel je een mooie fontein voor met verschillende bakken met water die elkaar bevloeien. Je voorouders staan in de bovenste bakken, daaronder je opa’s en oma’s en je biologische ouders weer daaronder. Jij staat altijd in de kindsbak onder je ouders, tezamen met je broers en zussen, halfbroers/zussen, miskramen en geaborteerde kinderen. In de bak onder jou staan jouw kinderen en daaronder weer hun nageslacht. Zo heeft iedereen een eigen en unieke plek. Als jij op jouw plek gaat staan, vang je de onzichtbare stroming op van de fontein. Hierdoor zul je ook gevoelens van tevredenheid en voldoening ervaren.”
Take off
“There are all kinds of reasons why you cannot stand in your rightful place in the fountain. You have 'ascended' in the fountain and end up in a 'higher' basin, causing you to no longer catch the current. This happens because, for example, you have taken on responsibility for your parents. You wanted to unburden them (by, for instance, not sharing your sadness) and perhaps even 'save' them, or your parents saw you as a pillar of support. Another way of ascending is that you judge your parents because you believe that what you received was insufficient, too much, too little, or poorly timed. In that case, you do not grant your parents their rightful place. As a result, you end up standing above them in the fountain, but you do not catch the fountain's current. This creates negative and somber feelings and makes you needy. This manifests itself in both physical and mental complaints. You therefore make the switches underwater correctly by taking your rightful place with your inner attitude.”
Coping with stress Els uses a powerful image to deal with stress. “I visualize my father behind one shoulder and my mother behind the other. Behind them, I place their parents, my grandparents, and behind them their parents and their parents, and so on. This makes me feel supported, literally and figuratively. If I can see my father as the big one and myself as the small one, I gain natural decisiveness. And if I allow my mother her place, the ability arises to connect with others at the deepest level. Knowing them behind me and my partner beside me provides inner peace and a safe foundation within myself. From there, the answers will come naturally.”
Panta Rhei “Above my desk hangs a large photograph (2.30 x 1.80) by Lenny Oosterwijk from the series Panta Rhei (everything is in motion) of shimmering water from the Wadden Sea. Through water, I feel pleasantly insignificant as a human being, knowing that there is a greater whole and that there is a place for everyone and everything. The shimmering of water is magical and sparkling to me, containing enormous power as well as softness. When I close my eyes and open them again while looking at the photo, something has changed once more. Everything lives and is in motion; nothing remains the same. So cherish your moments.”
Luisteren
Everyone is always allowed to feel what they feel. Do not argue that someone shouldn't feel that way. That only fuels the belief that this person is 'doing it wrong again,' as well as the feeling of not being seen or heard. When someone is struggling, it is often easier to cause pain to another through clumsy outburst behavior than to feel one's own pain. How can you help that person? Els: “If desired, provide feedback if the person runs away from facing their own pain and thereby harms others. Listening is always useful, but you really have to listen. Focus on receiving, not on sending. Don't say that you have been through that too and that things turned out fine back then. Or offer advice and solutions. Just stand beside someone and empathize without pity. Also, do not give in to the temptation to offer more help than is necessary. That drains the other person's strength.”
Finally: “Have the courage to be privileged. The art is to let things go well for yourself, while things will not always go well for the dear people around you.”
